Insanity and chaos. That is what your life has turned into. What was once a happy and peaceful normal life has turned into something you no longer recognize.
That is your relationship with a narcissist.
You wake up one morning realizing that you’ve been living an absolute hell of a life. You wake up to the horrible reality you’re living in, and you come to accept it, finally.
You stop lying to yourself telling yourself that he is only going through a phase and you realize he’s been like that from the start. The only difference from then and now is that you’ve stopped making excuses for him, and you’ve stopped fooling yourself that he’ll change.
This moment of complete truth finally hit you.
Another of his violations, his lies, his sneaky deeds have hit you hard this time, harder than the ones before. This was the final straw which completely opened your eyes.
You’ve erupted in anger and with all those things you’ve been holding inside for so long which were bursting to come out. There is simply no way for you to go back from the point you’ve come to.
This moment is the final moment of your freedom. This moment is something you never wished to happen, but now that it has, you’ve realized that you’ve finally set yourself free from the narcissistic grip.
You’ve realized that your life with him up to this point was shit, and you want out.
You’ve had these moments before, but nothing like this one. Nothing this serious and this big. You’ve had these moments, and you would back down every time.
Something kept you from walking away, a fear of some kind. And that’s true. That is their biggest advantage. Narcissists brainwash you and turn you into their puppets. They make you do things you don’t want to and why?
Because you’re scared of them. You’re scared to leave.
These fears are irrational, and you know that you’re finally gone for good. You know it. You see that in reality, he didn’t have any kind of control over you. I mean, he did, but only because you let him.
You let him rule you, and you were scared of a man who is actually not dangerous at all, not if you decide he’s not. The truth is, narcissists are very unhappy and insecure people who think they are less worthy, but they compensate that thought and that feeling by acting superior to everyone else.
In reality, they are so pathetic and powerless. It’s we and our infinite love that give them the strength. It’s we who let them suck us dry and use our energy to feed themselves.
These are the fears that chain you to stay with your abuser:
1. You think you’re not good enough
Years of being told that you aren’t good enough, that you’re nuts, that nobody likes you and you’re incapable of doing anything right has left a huge mark on you. It has destroyed your confidence and your sense of worth.
Once you were a confident woman who fought against every little thing that stood in the way of your happiness, and this narcissistic monster has turned you into a woman who accepts everything that comes her way and learns to live with it.
And that feeling, that lack of confidence is something that was pulling you down. It was something that prevented you from trying to get the best for yourself. You just settled and made peace with your destiny because you thought you can’t do anything about it.
Actually, he made you believe that you can’t do anything about it.
2. You’re pressured to stay with your abuser
Usually, there are more people involved in your relationship other than just the two of you. Maybe they are members of the family or some of his close friends. But, the truth is a narcissist always has someone to have their backs.
They have someone in their lives whom they’ve managed to lie to without any consequences. There are people who’ll chose his side because they haven’t yet realized what a terrible person their close one, your narcissist, is.
Maybe his mother or his best friend talked to you when you were having problems with him. They have probably tried to convince you, and they did, that he is actually not that bad, that he is a good person, but misunderstood.
They have continued to feed you the lies they have been fed. And that made you feel guilty because you felt you were responsible for your narcissist’s happiness and wellbeing. You thought you had to try harder and be a better person.
But what you missed because you had no one to tell you that is that you’ve done everything and even more than you should have and nothing changed. Even if you had tried harder, nothing would have changed because nothing ever changes.
No matter how much of yourself you give to them and how hard you sacrifice, a narcissist will always want more.
3. You’re scared of a failed relationship
This is something we are all scared off. When you fall in love and if that love doesn’t work out, if your relationship fails, you’re going to feel like you are responsible for that.
You’re going to think that somehow it’s your fault it didn’t work out between the two of you. To this add the pressure that society is putting on you, and you have a fear that you can’t run away from.
No one knows or has to know what was going on in your relationship and what hell you’ve been living through. And since they have no clue, people are going to judge. They are going to create their own opinions of your failed relationship, and they are going to start talking.
You can’t avoid that because the society is like that. This is an irrational fear, but when you are in the moment of the greatest pain and your life seems pointless and you don’t see a way out, even a small thing like this creates pressure and fear.
4. You’re scared you’ll lose your identity
But the thing is, you’ve already lost it, and he’s created another one for you. It’s not an identity that you’re proud of. It’s not a personality you want to have. Years or months of abuse have turned you into something you’re not, and just the idea of leaving him scares you because you’re scared you’re going to lose that false identity you have left.
You’re playing their game, not because you’re forced to, but because they have somehow made you want to play it. That is the whole deal, and that is how far their sneakiness and evilness goes.
5. You think you can’t live without him
He has become such a great part of your life that you can no longer imagine your life without him. He has convinced you through so many tactics all narcissist use that you are worthless and that you’ll fail in life the moment you leave him.
He does this vercleverly. He gives you compliments on one thing, but then when you’re out with your friends or generally in public, he’ll shut you up with a mean and snarky comment. He’ll make you feel like a worthless piece of shit.
He’ll criticize you all the time, so you feel frustrated because it seems that you can’t do anything right. Even when you give it your best and do everything he’s asked for, it’s not good enough for him.
This leaves you thinking that the problem is not him, but it’s you. You are the one to blame for everything. You start thinking that you are a walking disaster and who would want to live with you anyway?
6. You’re scared you’ll destroy your family
This goes for the women who have children with narcissists. You don’t want to be the one who’ll ‘destroy’ your children’s lives. You don’t want to be the one who’ll take away their father from them.
But in that moment, there is one thing you don’t realize and that is that if you continue to live in such unhealthy surroundings, your child is going to suffer even more than if you leave.
Being a part of all the fighting, yelling and screaming is the least good thing you can give to your child. If you’re unhappy, it’s going to affect them as well.
Change is painful. Any kind of change, even if it’s for the better.
You’re giving up a life that you’ve known. You’re giving up on the way you used to live.
It’s scary at the beginning to take that first step because you feel like you’re alone and there is no one there to have your back. But sometimes, we have to do the hardest things by ourselves.
It’s what makes us stronger. It’s what pushes us further.